Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
