What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
