At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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