Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
