Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
