I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
