i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize