tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
