When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
