ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
