I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
