Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
