Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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