Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
