Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
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