Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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