How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
