My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
My penis needs a shock collar
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
