why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
