fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
