So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
