I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
