i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
