Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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