One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
