My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
