Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
