Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
no you cant smoke seaweed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
