i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
