I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Vodka?
Forever.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
