If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
