Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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