We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
