Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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