Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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