Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
