Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
