I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
