I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
