i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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