I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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