This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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