i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
