the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
