Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
