dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
