whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
