I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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