He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
