ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I didn't notice because vodka
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
